Stay Woke

It could only be the sleepers. What does it mean anyway? To sleep? To willingly suspend one’s consciousness, giving in to baser instincts. No way people like that could be trusted. A person who does that is not above suspending morality – worse still; thinking. The sleepers are also wont to practice the dangerous art of dreaming – that is; deny reality. Is that not the very definition of lying? A dreamer is surely a liar – and only sleepers are dreamers; therefore liars.

So definitely the excuse that they were not there when it all took place but were sleeping is such a lie. It is the sleepers! They did it!

The trial date was set for the following decade – it was widely held that that was the length of time the sleepers needed to quit their delusions of innocence. No bail was offered – they’d be remanded for the intervening period.

“My Lord,” the senior counsel of the woke argued at the bail hearing, “if you let them back to their homes, surely we cannot monitor that they don’t find themselves snoozing yet again in the comfort of their beds. That would be a gross injustice! An invasion of privacy. The bedroom is a sacred place that must never be desecrated for whichever reason – however noble. So it is in the best interest of the accused, and justice, that they be remanded in custody, where they will be kept woke.”

“My learned collegue I will not dispute,” the senior counsel of the sleepists attempted to mitigate, “however I am not so convinced that a whole decade awaiting trial is necessary for my clients to come to.”

The justice was indeed moved somewhat by the latter’s plea: “Let us suspend the day’s hearings to solicit advice from experts.”

The time inched towards two-twelve am when the court was suspended. Everybody stood erect, albeit lethargically, as the judge dragged his crackling bones to his chambers. A whole urn of the strongest coffee in the land boiled there. On the headrest of his chair were pins. The bench by the industrial fan was steel, connected to a cooler that made the entire room chillingy bitter. He removed the eye openers so that he could immerse his face in ice water. After a good two minutes in there he pinched open his left eyelids and positioned the eye opener inside to keep them wide shut, and did the same with his right. It was a gold plated eye opener his husband bought him for their twentieth anniversary. It wasn’t as eye irritating as the bronze ones their son bought him for his forty-fifth birthday. The very son that just six weeks ago dropped dead of exhaustion – bringing untold shame to his family. As such the judge could not be seen as being lenient on sleepists; but some measure of jurisprudence had to be exercised.

This court had long resoluted that the sleepists would meet the full punishment of the law; but he could not let a simple technicality such as a fair hearing cause his judgement – already set in stone as it was – be overturned by the higher courts. The consequences of that were dire, he knew no one would blame those courts for letting sleeepists walk. It would be said that he – the father of a weak son – threw the case.

The master of the court was directed at once to find an expert that was woke. As such she tweeted that the court was in need of assistance. All the pundits on the evils of sleeping slid into her DMs in minutes, in no more than half an hour the topic was trending; what with everyone eager to show that they were not sleeping on the job. The consensus was slowly forming, but the court needed a simple straight answer that could not be subjected to the ambivalence of interpretation. So a poll was ran – qualified franchise, only the experts could cast their vote. At exactly four am the poll closed, recording a whooping 6352 votes. The court was satisfied and was back in session just seconds after four-thirty am.

“It pleases the court that a satisfactory solution was found to this conundrum in such a short space of time.” The judge delivered his verdit. “If anything it proves that our country is woke and the evils of sleeping are but an affront to our society and idyll.”

He revealed that all experts agree that any sleepist cannot be trusted to give a true account of events to enable the court to function properly. “They hear nothing, they see nothing,” he read from his written judgement, “and often conflate reality with dreams.” At the last word the packed courtroom jeered. The broadcasters scrambled to beep the word. Those who failed ran an apology to sensitive viewers. All checked with their respective risk departments if the “vulgar language” warning they ran pre the broadcast would suffice to protect them from the lawsuits that were surely being filed at various courts right at that moment.

The judge was equally flushed upon realising his folly; he had skipped over his own note to pause before the word to warn the court and nation. Nevertheless, he continued: “It is in the collective view of the experts consulted that sleepists need a period of time to be conscioutised. Until such a time they cannot be trusted by this or any court. To hear their say in this court before the completion of the said conscioutisation process would be tantamount to obstruction of justice. And equally it must be stressed that this is for their own sake as it is for justice – for at their current delusional state they may unwittingly incriminate themselves. As such, concomitant to the advice of the experts, it is in their best interests that they be remanded in custody for a period of ten years as they’re  brought into consciousness.”

The woke packed in their hundreds inside the courtroom and millions throughout the counrty made an attempt at a celebration, but it was trumped by far in energy by the resigned sigh of the handful of sleepist being dragged back to the waiting cells.

That done with; there was a scramble by the whole country to find another crisis that would assist everybody to stay woke.

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